Daily Honors

“This week’s award is co-awarded to life-long Douche Roger Clemens and life-long low-life, Mindy McCready. Allegedly Clemens had an inappropriate with Ms. McCready when she was just 15. By my calculations, that would have been the 1991 season for “the Rocket.” Clemens went 18-10 that season, with a 2.62 ERA and 240 K’s. Impressive stat-line, not an impressive notch on your belt Rog. She’s nasty and you undoubtedly ruined her life. This past December, McCready was released from prison for drug charges and probation violations. She wins the award for not using Roger’s millions to propel herself to legit stardom instead of the Entertainment Tonight B-List. Roger wins it for amazingly becoming even more unlikable to the general public. I didn’t think it was possible to loathe you more than I did yesterday but you once again proved me wrong.”

“Hi, I’m Barry Zito and I want to thank San Francisco Giants owner Peter McGowan and GM Brian Sabean for losing their minds and giving me $126 million dollhairs. That’s a lot of hair for a sloppy curve ball and a meat fastball. In 28 2/3 innings Mr. Guitar boy has surrendered 41 hits, 24 earned runs while issuing 15 free passes. I’d expect that kind of line from a Sidney Ponson type guy, not from a former Cy Young winner. This guy’s game is falling apart faster than an ’81 Chev S-10. He’s become a very expensive situational lefty. He’s making 6 times more than Dennys Reyes, also a situational lefty. The one difference is that Mr. Reyes, while being very fat has not surrendered a run this year.

So what happened? Is it his elbow? Is it his shoulder or another part of his body? I think it’s his head. He doesn’t have the kind of stuff to go out there and just throw. He has to out think his opponent, pitch backwards. He has too much shit floating around in his head. The money, the fame, the guitar playing, the men (ooooh the men) and most importantly 4 other guys in the Giants rotation who are better than he is. None of whom make even one fifth of what he makes. That would be like Bill Gates serving me a plate of nachos and me telling him to take them back and put more cheese on top. Ya think Bill would be a little frustrated? He’d be furious and I think that’s where Barry is right now.”

“Good Smeagol will take master through the maze into Mordor. Good smeagol doesn’t like the fat hobbit. Shut up you smelly little bug, you half man, half gangle creature. I’m sick of your whiny multi-personality bullcrap. If I were Samwise Gamgee I would’ve cut your throat. Wait no, Sam was an annoying little asshole. Fairomir, the captain of Gondor shoul’ve killed you. Worse yet, I would have made you eat a juicy tater and some boiled fish before finishing you off with the sword. You mangey traitor. You would take master to her? To Shelob the giant spider? I don’t think so; it’s time you got cast into fiery mount doom.

You were once a man, a gay man out for a day of fishing with your partner Deagol. Happy birthday Deagol! Smeagol and Deagol gay happy lovers out being gay in the grassy meadows. Oh look, Smeagol is pumping Deagol and now Deagol is pumping Smeagol. That’s nice. No wonder you’re such a nasty bug. You filthy little thieve whore, you should’ve left that ring at the bottom of the pond where you found it. Better yet you should’ve drown. Greedy little Smeagol you got what was coming to you.”

“You sir get on my nerves. Constantly clamoring for more media spotlight. You are everywhere. Maybe if you could form a coherent sentence, or actually say something enlightening you wouldn’t annoy me so much. Anytime you are asked a question, you most times don’t understand it, and reply by saying something totally unrelated. Charles, how do you not understand the most basic of basketball strategy questions? Didn’t you play for 10+ seasons in the NBA? Charles, how come you don’t speak very well? Do you not have a tongue? TNT should really get him speech lessons if he is going to be on TV as much as he is. Also, Charles please stop referring to your good friend Michael Jordan. It’s great that you are so tight with him, but we get it now, and nobody cares. TNT uses you as a sideshow Sir Charles, and you are being laughed at for being a retard, not for your dashing good humor.”

Richie Sambora:
"The lead guitarist for Bon Jovi was charged with drunken driving, and give a sentence that was basically a slap on the hand on Tuesday. Everyone makes mistakes, so I'm not going to come down on him too hard for the driving offense. However, Sambora had a blood alcohol limit of .13, almost half of the legal limit of .08. The kicker: his wife and young child were in the car. If you are driving drunk with a young kid in the car, the penalty should automatically be doubled or more harsh than an offense without a child in the car. I've screwed up plenty in life, but never at that level. Fame has it's perks I guess.
Keith Kloob 4-24-08

Bret Michaels
"He is in a show on VH1 called Rock of Love, which is all about him having a bunch of hot chicks on a TV show with them trying to make him love them. I guess the goal of the show is that he wants to find a serious relationship. Thats fine and dandy, but how do these shows stay on the air? What demographic finds this stuff interesting? I watched .32 seconds of it, and I was bored stiff. Has our country become so pathetic that this is the stuff viewers prefer? The Bachelor and Bachelorette are other good examples. I can't fathom how watching people do mating rituals fully clothed is even remotely interesting. Lose the clothes on the chicks, and then you might have me. The point is that our population has become a country of dullards. Here's an idea: turn the channel from your favorite reality show and check out the History Channel, or even the Discovery Channel. Try to learn something for once instead of wasting your brain cells on all that useless drivel."
Keith Kloob 4-23-08

Chelsea Clinton #2
"Chelsea was on a Gay Bar street rally the other day in Philadelphia. That begs the question, is Chelsea gay? It really wouldn't surprise me, she has all of the proper attributes. If she is gay, then I will lay off of her for attending a Gay Rally. However, if she isn't, the Clinton campaign has reached a new level of pathetic. Sending your daughter to a gay rally is simply not acceptable just because you want do be viewed in a positive light for your upcoming election. Another question: how large of a percentage of all votes do the Gays account for? Is it really even enough to justify sending your daughter to a rally? Politics have gotten ridiculous."
Keith Kloob 4-22-08

Bruce Springsteen endorsed Democratic Sen. Barack Obama for president Wednesday, saying "he speaks to the America I've envisioned in my music for the past 35 years." In that case Bruce, I just lost a lot of respect for your music. You win the award for Douchebag of the Week not for giving your support to B.O. (everyone is free to support whomever they wish), you win the award for being just another overly political “celebrity” loudmouth. Just shut up and sing.

“This man is the leader of a polygamous cult in Bountiful, Canada, which is in British Columbia. His cult numbers over 1000 people strong, and practices polgamy hardcore. He is rumored to have 50+ wives, and over 100 children. I recently watched an interview with him, and he honestly made we want to puke in my mouth. They routinely marry off kids at 14 or 15 years of age, and he thinks it is perfectly normal. The women of these cults are so brainwashed and uneducated that they can hardly form a coherent thought or utter anything of intelligence. They are basically robots, made to breed kids, that will grow up to become workers on the Bountiful farming industry, which is big business. Blackmore’s reported wealth is in excess of $15 million. He says he technically is not breaking any laws because he is not officially marrying any of his wives, only in spirit. He said his only crime is adultery. That may be fine and you good you adulterating douchebag, but last time I checked even Canada had laws against screwing girls that were 14, 15, or 16 years of age. Canada turns a blind eye to all of this crap because Bountiful brings a huge economic boost to the area it is located in. Shame on you Canada. You need to crack down on this pissant just like Texas is doing right now with the Laredo polygamist cult.”

Barrack Obama:

“Congratulations Douchebag, you are now a three time winner thanks to your snide and elitist remarks last week in San Francisco. Nice job of slamming small-town America and the "bitterness of small town Pennsylvanians who then cling to their guns, or religion.” You know Barack, besides being a Douchebag, you’re a real pompous ass.” You know Barack, besides being a Douchebag, you’re a real pompous ass.”

Perry Tostenmen 4-17-08

Jimmy Carter:
"It seems like Jimmy is always messing around in matters that don't matter. He says he is a champion for peace, but the only thing I ever hear about his work in the Middle East is that everyone over there thinks he is a joke. I would like to know what he is trying to accomplish? The Arabs must think all of our old people are senile and strange. Carter probably just sits at the table and gaps out when meeting with Arab officials. Do they even send anyone of importance to meet with him? He has become a major laughingstock, and he just needs to come home and die in peace. Good grief Jimmy, save your dignity if there is any left and stopping trying to get in the spotlight. Your time has passed for media attention. Plus, did you really ever do anything good for our country?"
Keith Kloob 4-16-08

Wesley Snipes:
"You fine sir, are a real douchebag. Only a month out from being acquitted on some of his tax evasion escapades, it has been reported that he has been spending lavishly and boasting about his accomplishment of screwing the goverment. This really saddens me. As a teenager/college student during your prime movie years, I was a big fan. It could be argued that you were the best action film actor during this span, and I hold many of your films in high regard. Now you have to go and try and cheat the man? Oh well, I still love the Blade trilogy, they were cool flicks."
Keith Kloob 4-15-08

Stupid Owl.
"Thanks a lot you stupid owl. You tormented me all summer when I had the windows open with your incessant hooting all night. Now you have managed to make your hunting roost in the tree right outside of my bedroom window. I hear your ridiculous hooting now even in five degree temps. Doesn't all that hooting actually scare away your prey? Why in the world is there nocturnal creatures? Thanks again owl. Jerk."
Keith Kloob 4-14-08

“Apparently Sir Elton John was at a fundraiser with the Clinton’s in Radio City this past week helping them raise money for their campaign. Bill Clinton urged people to send money over the internet to their campaign. After that Elton John was quoted as saying "I never cease to be amazed at the misogynist attitude of some of the people in this country," he said. "I say to hell with them." The definition of misogyny: Hatred of, or hostility toward, women. First off, I wasn’t aware that Americans hated women. It is one thing to not want to vote for Hillary because of her stances and political past, but to say Americans hate women is flat out stupid. I can’t believe the Clinton’s had this ass-pumping piece of crap as part of their fundraiser, because that takes political strategy to a whole new level of stupidity. I only hope this gets a lot of press coverage by the major networks.”

“It’s been a few years since we’ve heard much from this disgusting left-wing fat-ass. However, after hearing his comments from a 2003 talk at the University of Michigan stating “There is no terrorist threat. There will be acts of terrorism but that does not mean there is actually a terrorist threat.” (Source: “Obsession: Radical Islam’s War Against The West” learn more at www.obsessionthemovie.com). Regardless of the fact that statement is 5 years old, Michael Moore is still a 100% indisputable Douche. Chances are he still stands by this absurd statement in 2008 and I am sure his pal Fidel Castro would as well. But at least Moore can still live and speak in the land of the free & home of the brave…..and eat 30 Big Macs a day.”

“I don’t know if it’s your obsession with black t-shirts, your pretentious attitude or your journalistic style & approach, the fact of the matter is, I, Perry M. Tostenmen just don’t like you A.C. I remember your days at the ridiculously biased and now defunct Channel One (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Channel_One_News) which I was forced to watch daily for 12 minutes in home room between 6^th-8^th grade. Later, you did some mind-numbing correspondence work for ABC and then hosted another lame and short-lived program-The Mole. Then you got your own show on CNN and you thought your “breaking news”, stern looks and overly dramatic voice pauses lent you some type of credibility. Well, I’m not buying it. Your Plant in Peril documentary is a joke-way to be objective. So now, we present you with your most prestigious award yet, the Douche of the Week- a hygiene matter you most certainly are familiar with Mr. Cooper.”

According to your latest poll “more than 80 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction.” Nice poll question CBS/NYT, I am sure no hidden agenda here. Hmmmmm…how convienient in an election year where the front runner is a minority Democrat. I bet after they reported on this poll they cut right to a stock piece of one of Obama’s classic “Change” speeches. Look I know things seem bad but 80%? Really? Last time I checked our unemployement is still lower than it was in the Clinton era and even with the rising consumer prices and housing slump (it’s a slump!) most Americans are still pretty comfortable overall. Yeah we may not be taking a Mexico vacation or buying that 2^nd ATV but is it really that bad? Do you know anyone who doesn’t own at least 2 TV’s or have a cellphone? It’s simple economics and the bi-product of the business cycle. We have to go down to come back up. This doom and gloom non-sense is getting so old. I think the question is flawed personally. I would have posed it as “Do you think that CBS and the New York Times are reliable un-biased news sources?”

You are in your own little world and have no awareness of the people around you. You can’t or you’re unable to keep a steady walking pace. You don’t stick to the correct side of the walking flow and you make sudden unreasonable stops. Thanks to you clueless walker, my tacos got cold and my fountain pop ice melted just a bit more.

“CBS apparently had a new show on Friday nights this year, about a police officer vampire, who fought for the good of mankind. I have to admit I have never heard of this show, but it seems to have a faithful following. 3,000 fans have pledged to team up with Red Cross and donate blood if CBS will keep it on the air next year. It is very noble of these folks to donate blood to the Red Cross, but does it really take the threat of their favorite vampire show being cancelled to spring them into action? I have an idea, the next time there is another blood shortage, the Red Cross should get ABC to threaten to cancel Greys Anatomy, LOST, or one of their other popular shows. That should fill up their blood banks for months.”

Ted Turner:
"He was on Charlie Rose on Tuesday night, and I didn't realize how much of a character he is in person. He went from singing about five showtunes, to reminiscing on how he built his empire. Then the conversation took a turn towards ridiculous. He is a GreenFreak global warming nut. He was making incredible assertions that would have made even Al Gore gush. According to Mr. Turner if things continue as they have been going, in ten years we are going to get hardly any rain, all of our crops will be barren, and we will face droughts like never before. He then also said if things don't change, in thirty years we will be equal to the worst of the food-barren third world countries of Africa, and the USA will be resorting to cannibalism. That sucks. To think, I won't even be retired yet, and feasting on human femur to stay alive. What an optimistic look on the future! Mr. Turner, I now see how Time-Warner totally schooled your ass and drove you out of the National news business, you are somewhat retarded."
Keith Kloob 4-3-08

“Honestly, I am so sick of seeing your mug on TV. Who cares what you think? What have you ever done to warrant an opinion that should influence people, other than be the spawn of a couple of crooked politicians? I honestly kind of feel sorry for you. Your dad is a whore-mongering snake who couldn’t even keep himself in line to keep his law license in his home state, and your Mom is a cutthroat bulldyke who would sacrifice your soul in a heartbeat if it would get her the golden ticket to the presidency. I bet family night is fun at your house. Your sick parents probably sit and compare dick-sizes the whole time, while you meekly eat your filet mignon in silence with your head down. Are they forcing you to go out and do all these appearances? If not, you are utterly shameless for endorsing them so adamantly, regardless of them being your parents. On a lighter note, I wonder how she is in the sack?”

Sharkshellfish.com would like to take this opportunity to honor former Twin and great man, Torii Hunter on his first game back at the HHH Metrodome as an LA Angel. You served us (Twins) well for many seasons and I for one want to say thank you. You Torii Hunter, are one of the few true “good guys” left in Major League Baseball. We know you left for So Cal for more money and that’s fine-any one of us with a family would do the same. You deserve it. Not your fault the Twins didn’t have the cash to keep you here for a few more seasons. You earned and will receive a warm reception upon introduction tonight at the Metrodome as you raise your Rawlings Gold Glove trophy in the air. You didn’t always put up the best statistics but you were reliable, a fan-favorite and a community icon. This meek Twins fan just wants to say thanks and all the best Torii.

Thomas Beatie:
"This is the guy that claims he is pregnant. Honestly, how desparate for attention do you have to be? I sure hope this is a joke, because is honestly the most ridiculous thing I have seen in quite some time. I just don't understand the point of the joke if that is what he is doing."
Keith Kloob 4-1-08

Hillary Clinton:
"Word is that she is booking event centers to hold her rallies, and then not paying the folks that she rented the space, time, and workforce from. Apparently this has happened at numerous places. Hillary is running low on cash and not paying her bills. Nice example to the public you want to elect you. This selection of candidates is brutal all-around."
Keith Kloob 3-31-08

Welcome to a prestigious club Mr. Randall Stephenson, you now a Douche of the Week.

You promised to return 5,000 customer service jobs from India to America. So far, you’ve returned just 1,400. According to you, “(AT&T) is having trouble finding the numbers that we need with the skills that are required to do these jobs."

Thanks for your vote of confidence in the American worker a**hole. Listen, I understand the US Government taxes corporations severely and leaves little incentives for business to remain in our country but don’t take unnecessary cheap shots at our already apprehensive work force. Show a little American pride and start training the hard working folks of this nation to help fulfill your comendable promise. And another thing, don’t be a conceited prick. Perry Tostenmen 3-28-08

DoucheNeck of the Day Thursday, March 27, 2008

Nicholas Sarkozy:
"The President of France is threatening to boycott the 2008 Olympics in Bejing, unless the Chinese government shows some restraint in dealing with the Tibetan independence movement and open talks with the Dalai Lama. I understand you are a pussy Mr. Sarkozy, but this is taking it to a whole new level. The Olympics are an event that are supposed to bring the world together in unity. Isn't that the sort of activity that your candyass should love? I am in agreement with the Brits on this one who think Sarkozy is a borderline retard. Also, is France actually ever good at anything in the Olympics? Other than whistling, skipping, screaming, and shrieking with excitement I don't think they ever actually win at anything. I say stay away Mr. Sarkozy, and deal with your own upsurgence still taking place with the young citizens of France who are sick of being viewed as pussies. It's not like your country is going to win anything anyways."
Keith Kloob 3-27-08

DoucheNeck of the Day Wednesday, March 26, 2008
DoucheNeck/EconomicStimulus.jpg

"This isn't exactly aimed at anyone, just some thoughts on the Economic Stimulus rebate we are all receiving. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US." Source Unkown
Keith Kloob 3-26-08

DoucheNeck of the Day Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Bill Richardson:
"Mr. Richardson announced that he is now endorsing Obama as the Democratic nominee. The Clinton's had spent many hours courting Richardson over the past year, and apparently this is a major blow to them. The Democrats are killing themselves with all of this bad press! Richardson said he was doing it for the good of the Party and nearly went so far to say Hillary should bow out. Of course Hillary was pissed, and Richardson is too scared to even call Bill Clinton and tell him the news. This is like a huge soap opera, and it's great! The Democrats are starting to look like a bunch of little bickering schoolkids. Richardson should have just kept his yapper shut, but I would never expect that from a Democratic Spotlight Hound like all of those rats."
Keith Kloob 3-25-08

DoucheNeck of the Day Monday, March 24, 2008

"I am very glad you lost Duke Blue Devils. First off, you were the most overrated team in the tourney this year, and had no right getting a #2 seed. You should have lost in the first round to some school called Belmont, and got thoroughly beat by West Virginia. I am happy. Sorry Ereeck, nothing personal, I just dislike Duke."
Keith Kloob 3-24-08

DoucheNeck of the Day Friday, March 20, 2008

Semi-Drivers:
"I spend many hours a week on the interstate, and I have come to feel a deep loathing for truckers. Don't get me wrong, many of them are courteous and safe drivers, but there is the select few that make me very angry. For example, the trucker that won't merge over when you are entering the interstate, and there is no one in the left lane. Thanks for making me slow down to 45 mph jerkwad, just because you are lazy. Or the guy who insists on passing a fellow trucker while both are going 67 mph and match speeds for six miles, and proceed to create a backup of 78 cars behind them. I'm hoping they do this on purpose for a good laugh, because that is the only way I can appreciate such a stupid maneuver. Lastly, the trucker who is obviously falling asleep and drifting all over the road on a nonwindy day. If your load is that heavy and you can't handle it, maybe you should take up another line of work. I don't appreciate white-knuckling for no apparent reason while passing a trucker, just because he is either sleeping, or can't handle his truck. I do realize this can also happen with normal vehicles, but truckers make it so much more apparent because of their capability of reigning death down on me at any time."
Keith Kloob 3-21-08

Now a two-time winner you receive the award again because you are lying to the American People.

Look at it this way, either you have such poor judgment that in the past 20 years of your time with outrageous Rev. Dr. Wright, you were too cowardly to confront his blatant false speech or you actually believe and agree with his blatant false speech. I think it’s a little of both-a person who can’t stand up against wrong and a person who latently agrees with people like Wright. Either way, you’re not the man you claim to be. You even reference in your first book the “greedy white man.” Aren’t the greedy white’s trying to get you elected?

Are we supposed to trust you can stand up to foreign dictators as president when you can’t stand up to your own pastor, whom you call your uncle? The speech you gave yesterday was smooth and polished but it was just smoke and mirrors. You denounce him now? After 20 years? Something isn’t right.

DoucheWad of the Day Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Dalai Lama:
"On Tuesday, the Dalai Lama threatened to step down as head of state of Tibet if the crazy Tibetans did not stop committing so much violence against ethnic Chinese that live in their land. Honestly, does anyone care? What difference would it make? This is a tiny little pocket of the world that makes no difference really to anyone who doesn't live there. The Dalai Lama reminds me of a cartoon character who has no clue what he is doing. I'm quite sure he is toked up at all times on some sort of natural hallucogenic drug anyways, so I'm not quite sure what difference it would make. He looks like he is always in some sort of vegetative state, yet he calls it meditating. Meditating my ass, that silly bastard is higher than Goldstein on pay day! Plus, I don't hear anyone pleading him not to step down. Silly Dalai Lama!"
Keith Kloob 3-19-08

Oriental Names

Yasuhiko Ito
Masaru Okazaki
Norio Sato
Yoshiaki Yoneda
Shigeru Yumino
Shinichi Susukida
Manabu Kagawa
Masaaki Tomiyama
Toshiro Kanda
Ryota Goto
Nobuo Yanase
Shigeo Uchiyama
Hiroshi Oe

All these guys are assholes because I can't pronounce any of their names.

DoucheNeck of the Day Monday, March 17, 2008

REV. DR. JEREMIAH WRIGHT, TRINITY UNITY CHURCH OF CHRIST-Obama’s “Pastor”

According to Slate.com. Wright said the United States brought the 9/11 attacks on itself through its own "terrorism." And "the government gives [blacks] the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, God damn America."

There’s really not much more I can say but this: Rev. Dr. Wright, you’re a reverse racist asshole and can I borrow that sweet shirt?
Perry Tostenmen 3-17-08

DoucheWad of the Day Friday, March 14, 2008

Jared Fogle:
"Everybody knows Subway Jared is the guy who lost like 200+ lbs by eating ONLY Subway. Well congratulations Jared, but I am sick and tired of hearing about it after all of these years. How can someone only eat Subway? I don't think it's possible because Subway is flat out gross. I will only eat it if there is no other choice. From doing some research, it turns out the only reason Jared accomplished this feat was because Subway opened a shop on the ground floor of his college dorm, and it was easy access. Nice, reward a guy for being lazy. Also, did you know that Jared was a Porn Peddler from out of his dorm room? He would rent tapes for $1 to fellow dorm mates. Supposedly that is true. Now imagine a 500 lbs man eating a foot long while watching porn and spanking the monkey in his dorm room. I bet that room smelled awesome! I wonder how long it took to disinfect the stink after he moved out? By the way, Subway's only positive is that it makes a meatball sub that is heavenly, yet deadly (see earlier rant on it for more detail). I think I might fall into the trap soon, I have have almost forgotten the last episode. Anyways, I think Jared sucks, and I'm sure everyone else does too."
Keith Kloob 3-14-08