Pet Peeve Rants

I am a fairly simple person. I do not like things that are too technologically advanced. I have adapted where I have to, but overall I fight change. My line of employment makes me become somewhat trendy on certain everyday devices, for example cell phones, but all in all, I wish I didn’t have to carry one.

Whatever happened to the days when if you wanted to get ahold of someone, they actually had to be at home, or some other specified place that had a landline phone? Oh I miss those days. Now with carrying a cellphone, anyone can be reached at almost anytime. In fact if you don’t answer, people get pissed and wonder why you are screening your calls. It bothers the sh*t out of me. I don’t want to be accessible at all times. It is totally unnecessary. I realize the advantages of having a cellphone, but as soon as humanly possible I am going to refrain from carrying one. If I have an emergency, I can flag down the other 99% of the population that carries a phone, or even God forbid use a pay phone.

The thing that bothers me most about cellphones is that people always forget to turn them off in the most annoying of situations. If I’m watching a movie, or sitting in class, I don’t want to hear some dudes phone ring and blare out “Highway to Hell,” it is simply not needed. However, when I am out having a good meal with good company, that is the place it is most unnecessary, unless of course it is an emergency. It is really annoying trying to talk to someone while their phone keeps ringing, and it is calls not of importance.

Technology has its place, and without it, we would be still in the Stone Ages, but I miss the good old days every once in awhile. The Internet has changed everybody’s world for the better, but I could sometimes live without it. I’m sure there is many more examples, but these are a few that piss Kloob off sometimes. Now commence ripping on me........

Bluetooth Headsets. You may wonder why someone like me, (a degenerate helmet wearing hick) would be so against a relatively useful piece of cell phone technology? It is simple. In general, people who wear Bluetooth Headsets are narcissistic a** wipes. I need to be clear; I am very much in favor of hands free calling. I own a hands free and use it in my car regularly. In fact, I would fully support legislation to make cell phone use, while driving, illegal without a hands free unit. Let’s face it, the general public cant drive worth sh*t to begin with but when they have a cell phone on their ear, it’s like Hellen Keller took over. However, the Bluetooth “crowd” is entirely different story. I only take offense when the Bluetooth leaves the vehicle. We’re talking about the people who are so self-absorbed and consider themselves so vastly important, they feel the need to be “connected” at all time. By strapping that piece of black and blue plastic to their ear, they immediately become an important and “busy” person. You know exactly who I am talking about.

Case 1)

Rapstar wannabe at any local department or discount shopping store who not only sports his Bluetooth ear piece but coordinates it with a baby blue crushed velet sweat suit, FUBU hiking boots and imitation platinum diamond necklace (p.s. It’s not f*cking bling…a-RITE!). Hey bro, that Bluetooth fits well with that family pack of Charmin you’re purchasing.

Case 2)

Wannabee yuppie “business woman” power walking down the street or the skyway. First of all, you’re a telemarketer for Shop NBC. Second of all, I don’t buy your knock-off Louis Vitton handbag for a second. Lastly, thanks for scaring the piss out of me as you sprint past talking at decibel levels rivaled only by Arrowhead Stadium because your equally knocked-off Bluetooth sounds like your talking into a tin can.

Case 3)

Arrogant father or mother who would rather conduct a phone call on their respective Bluetooth than actually give attention to their small child who is desperately seeking attention. It could be at a local park, playground, ball game or restaurant. This insensitive parent is SO important and their business SO crucial on a Saturday morning they chose a Bluetooth over their own toddler. It is possible I loathe this person more than any other. Oh how I wish to violently tear that Bluetooth off their smug faces, key their Range Rover (which they can’t afford), and buy their unloved child an ice cream cone.

But I don’t….and I won’t. This is why I rant.
By Perry Tostenmen 4-8-08

The SUV Housewife:

The one thing that really drives me mad is the SUV housewife. You all know what I am talking about. You are out to grab a quick bite to eat from Taco Bell on lunch, and all of a sudden some big 2008 Chevrolet Suburban cuts you off in a two-lane highway. Or even worse, that same SUV drafts off of your bumper in a two-lane highway when there is no way for it to get around. Nine times out of ten you look to see who in the hell is driving, and you see some 35 to 50 year old whore-bitch yapping on her cellphone. Honestly, this drives me to the point of insanity. The main reason it irritates me so bad, is that you know more than likely she can’t afford that rig. You can doubt me, but I know people like this, and also from talking to people that know these atypical personalities, that many times that woman can’t even come close to affording that SUV, yet alone a f*cking 1983 Chevette. Her husband makes $45K a year laying bricks or pounding nails for the local construction company, and she dresses to the hilt and drives around town all day like she is f*cking Queen Elizabeth the First. Truly unbelievable. Then you learn they live in the $325,000 house just outside of town on one of the nice lakes, and you want to blow a fuse! To top it off you realize neither one of them come from money. Their parents were hard-working folks like the rest of us. It’s simple, they just feel the need to spend all kinds of money they don’t have in order to try and fool us all into thinking they are rich. Who do they think they are fooling when everyone knows who they are, and where they come from?

Here’s the reality of the situation for this type of folk. The wife doesn’t work, goes out all day clipping her coupons in secrecy, and buying cheap perfume, rings, clothes and makeup. She only does this at odds time of the day in order to running into someone who might see her and catch on to her dirty little secret, that they have no money (in her little mind). Then she drives to pick up the kids, or happy hour, or whatever thing people like that do, and talks on her stupid cellphone the whole time to try and act like she is busy. Actually, she is either talking to nobody, or talking to her elderly mother who is ranting on about all of the pills the nursing home makes her take to control her blood pressure or bladder. Then you have the husband, he is usually a pretty decent guy who just got roped into marrying a gal who is too concerned about image. He tries to play the wealthy type in public, but you can tell he is not quite right about it. He’s always a little squirrley or squirmy when it comes to any subject that even remotely concerns money, or better yet money management. When he gets home each night, the first thing he does is pop a Miller High Life, and continue to drink them until he is oblivious to all of his maxxed out money problems. He stumbles to bed, doesn’t even recognize his worthless little wife, and falls into a deep, depressed sleep that entails dreams of constantly being chased (by his creditors of course). The whole topic of them paying bills with credit cards and digging themselves even further into debt is a whole other story, to maybe be covered at another time. The reality is that this is more common than you would think……….
By Keith Kloob 4-1-08

Squishy butt brought on by a poorly timed dump. Sometimes you don’t get to take your dump when duty calls. This delay causes squishy butt, which sometimes can last for 2 days depending on if I get to take a shower or not. I live in a low income apartment house and share a room with 2 blind guys and a Russian immigrant. We share 1 bathroom with 3 other rooms and the restroom and shower are in high demand.

The blind guys are great because you can sneak up on them when they are eating and put sugar in their sandwich and they don’t know it until they take a bite. They’re clever guys and they’ll get you back if you’re not careful. They’re blind so it’s pretty easy to see them sneaking up on you.

Anyway, like I was saying about getting a squishy butt after not having a chance to take a proper dump. I just wanted to say when you’re dealing with limited resources such as toilet paper and stools its tough to pinch out that good dump that only requires 1 wipe.

That’s what I prefer. If I find myself in a situation where I have to wipe more than once I can pretty much count on a squishy butt. When I wear my gym shorts, it’s kind of embarrassing because they sometimes show my squishy butt. It’s always in the back of my mind too when I’m wearing my white pants that I might be exposing some squishy brown streaks. I’m relieved when I can get to my telemarketing job and sit down as to not expose my squishy butt. Thanks, Jerry.

According to About.com: Vegans do not eat meat of any kind and also do not eat eggs, dairy products, or processed foods containing these or other animal-derived ingredients such as gelatin. Many vegans also refrain from eating foods that are made using animal products that may not contain animal products in the finished process, such as refined white sugar and some wines. Although there is some debate as to whether certain foods, such as honey, fit into a vegan diet, if you are cooking for other vegans, it is best to err on the side of caution and avoid using these foods.

In short, Vegans are generally pains in the a$$. My advice to all vegans is simple: Get over yourself! Are you so narcissistic and delusional to think your ‘cause’ of not eating any animal or animal bi-product is a superior diet option than what the rest of us eat? Get real already. Plus I bet your flatulence is rancid.

I am sick of making concessions for every dietary need out there. Try a steak, you’ll like it. Plus I wouldn’t worry about the “treatment” of the beef you’re eating because news-flash…it’s a COW! Have you seen these animals? Not necessarily communicating via sign language if you know what I mean. Just go back to being regular vegetarians and leave this vegan trend behind us forever.

In closing, the following people are vegans and almost certainly really annoying:

This time of year, everyone….and I mean everyone thinks they are a college basketball fan or expert prognosticator.

People tell me it’s just supposed to be something fun, lighthearted and fancy free. Well to me it isn’t. I watch college basketball. I follow teams. I know players, coaches and teams. Granted I don’t follow as religiously as I did as a younger man but I still pay my dues by watching the cupcake games in early November to the holiday classics to the conference tournaments. In short, I pay my dues.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining about the 56 year old administrative assistant who won the pool by picking teams based on mascot. That’s not the point. I get the fact it’s a crapshoot. The reason I don’t like brackets and pools and why I refuse to participate is I revere the NCAA tournament. Brackets just cheapen the whole thing for me.

I simply can’t handle every office Johnny-come-lately this time of year. I learned a long time ago that it grinds my inner most being to have some near retiree in a cardigan sweater say to me “I picked George Mason and you didn’t? I thought you knew a lot about basketball?”

Listen lady, that’s not how it works and you just ripped a little bit more away from the joy of this tournament. Thanks a lot.

DAILY RANT Monday, March 17, 2008

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Bracketology. Is that time of year again? March Madness. I used to be into this bigtime, but not so much anymore. Back in the day, college basketball was a great sport to watch before college and high school players could enter the NBA whenever they want. Once that happened, college basketball lost all of it’s flavor. At least for me.

It’s fun to make the picks and fill out your brackets, but its such a crap shoot. One year, Catherine the receptionist won the whole deal by picking teams by her favorite team name. Its all too random, and I don’t buy into the hype anymore. More power to those who do. By the way, you can watch all the games online for free this year. Those of you who work at really anal companies will no doubt have that site quickly firewalled this week. My condolescences. CBS are marketing geniuses for making this thing as big as they have. It’s really just bad basketball giving people a reason to wager. Nothing wrong with that I guess, after all, I enjoy betting on dice.

Keith Kloob 3-17-08

DAILY RANT Monday, March 10, 2008

Coffee. I, Keith Kloob, like coffee. However, I am not addicted. I drink coffee maybe three times a month, only if exceptionally groggy to start the day. When I drink coffee at 7 AM, I am ready to jump through the roof by 9 AM. The big problem is that I hit a major wall by 10:30 AM, and feel like a truck ran over me. I have never been able to maintain a steady pace of drinking coffee and form a full fledged addiction. Below are the reasons why.

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People that drink coffee have wretched breath. I have to deal with lots of dickheads each day in meetings that smell like they just drank 8 gallons of the crap. It’s horrible, and nothing can be done to cover it up. It might be my biggest pet peeve in life. I have to sit there and breath in their assbreath, and try not to cringe or cover my nose. It makes me angry. Word to the wise, if you like to drink coffee, please stay at least five feet away from people when speaking to them. It is only common courtesy. Don’t be an asswipe and pull the uncomfortably close talker crap. That’s totally unacceptable.

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People that drink coffee have awful smelling pee. My office has a high-trafficked bathroom, and when I have to urinate in the mornings, the urinal normally has the smell of hot coffee pee radiating out of it. I hate that smell something fierce. Of course there is nothing that can be done about it, but it still sucks and is a dickhead thing to do. Here’s a thought, since we banned smoking in public buildings, why don’t we ban coffee drinkers from peeing in public restrooms. They can go outside behind the building and drain their pipes where the fresh air quickly carries away the smell. Coffee drinkers can really be a bunch of inconsiderate jackoffs.

Keith Kloob 3-10-08

Vespa’s are not proper mopeds. They are the trendier, fashionable version of the original moped (seen below). I drive a pure moped. As you can see it has pedals, skinny tires, and requires a helmet that does not feature a visor. Yes, the moped helmet must be open faced. As you can see Vespa’s come in designer colors: goldenrod, sky blue, scarlet, midnight blue, and chanteuse to name a few. Original mopeds come in just a few basic colors: black, black with orange stripes or rust colored. Vespa’s also have small storage compartments underneath the seat. A real moped requires bungee cords or twine to secure your additional belongings to the bike. However the differences do not stop at the vehicle itself-the drivers of Vespa’s area also vastly dissimilar. Vespa drivers are typically either Italian men or single white females (mainly college co-eds) who shop at places like Banana Republic, Aeropostale and upscale exclusive department stores like Target. These are not people like me, Perry M. Tostenmen. I shop at Sears, Wal-Mart, Archies, Flea Markets, Archies West, Tractor Supply Company and Fleet. My moped has to be pedaled to start and I have never carried a handbag while riding my moped. One time I fell off my moped and the handle bars bent upright. I did not fix the handlebars as it still runs just fine. I can also pump up my tires with a basketball pump. A Vespa would most certainly require a full service technician to adjust the air pressure.

So the next time you see a Vespa, as pictured above, just know it is not a true moped, as pictured below.

DAILY RANT Thursday, March 6, 2008

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Cheerleading competitions on ESPN

Surfing through the channels at 1:30pm on a Monday can be treacherous. Nothing is more treacherous than coming across a televised Cheerleading competition. Ok, maybe NASCAR or mens figure skating. Maybe not, competitive cheerleading is the worst thing you’ll ever find on TV. The screaming and dancing. The coordinated stepping and flipping. The interviewing of 16 year old anorexic cheerleaders has got to be the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. “Oh my god, we won!” Oh my god, I would rather have sex with a man than watch this!

Why don’t you make a sport out of dump taking. Call it competitive dumping. Televise it live from Walt Disney World in Orlando and Boom! One category could be ‘quickest dump.’ Like the progressive Jazz category in competitive cheerleading, the quickest dump category would have a maximum of 12 people and performances can last no longer than 3 minutes. Lloyd Streed would be a candidate for this category. He takes quick dumps in order to maximize time spent working on his music.

Another category might include: largest dump which would be based on volume, most colorful dump, stickiest dump, smelliest dump and a team dump competition based on sheer volume and quantity. "The final category, and probably the most prestegious could be called the loudest dump category. We would judge 3 things: sheer grunting volume, sheer pain and anguish level and how loud of a sound your dump makes with it splashes into the toilet."

Nothing is worse than clicking past a competitive cheerleading challenge. A bunch of assholes running around screaming and yelling, clapping, jumping and screaming.

Jerry Goldstein 3-6-08

Designer hand bags. Gucci, Coach, Prada, Lance Bass, LeSportSac, Justin Timberdouche bag company, you name it; there’s a hand bag company out there. Yay! For hand bags, right? Wrong assholes, I’m back and I’m not letting up about handbags. Twenty something’s are up in arms over designer hand bags these days, spending money they don’t have to snatch up the latest and greatest hand bag. I got your snatch right here and it’s festering and smells like weeks old dried urine and tuna sandwich mix w/o the mayo.

They gotta have some place to keep their sunglasses, makeup, credit cards, tampons and everything else under the sun that women tote around town. Am I made at women because since I was young they rejected me and ridiculed my looks, my grades, my car, my wristbands and my hockey calendar collection? Maybe a little. Maybe a lot and it really boils me, gets me all hot and bothered to see these women flashing their hand bags around. Ladies, that’s nothing more than a purse! A flashy purse to hide behind. You’re ugly, ugly on the inside and ugly on the outside. I hate you, I love you.

DAILY RANT Tuesday, February 26, 2008

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Bad Parkers. To all people who take up 2 spots, leave too much space between the curb and vehicle, angle it wrong, back in, or don’t know how to parallel park. Thank you.

You are the cause of door dings, longer walks (a real treat in -10 weather with small children) and headaches. Just have some common courtesy and or decency and keep in mind the concept of “other people”. You are not the only person looking to park and you do not have free reign of this giant slab of concert and asphalt. Turn the wheel, use your mirrors, give right-a-way and most of all get a clue. You’re Pontiac Grand Prix isn’t that cool anyways, stop being an asshole.

Perry Tostenmen 2-26-08

Celebrity opinions. I am so sick and tired of hearing celebrities voice their opinions on issues facing the world. It seems it is the hip thing to do now in the world of entertainment folks. The sad part is that many of them are bleeding heart liberals who make me want to vomit in my mouth.

Al Gore is an expert on the environment, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are experts on third-world hunger, Tom Cruise is an expert on religion and being enlightened, and many, many more examples of vomiting in the mouth examples of fools. Perhaps the latest example is the most infuriating. All kinds of celebrities have been voicing their opinion on how great of a man Fidel Castro was, or is since he’s still alive. As I’m sure most of you know, Castro resigned as Prez of Cuba on Tuesday, and handed the reigns over to his 76-year old brother Raul. By the way, things are not going to get any better for the oppressed and skinny Cubans. The dictatorship will continue in full effect. Anyways, Steven Spielberg called Castro a genius, and said the time he spent with him was the best eight hours of his life. Chevy Chase said the man is a genius, and is a prime example of how Socialism works. There was a long string of celebrities who voiced similar sentiments.

Wow! The stupidity of celebrities has dropped to a new level of pathetic. Castro was notorious for torturing, murdering, and many other types of gruesome acts over his citizens to maintain power. A regime of horror is the best way to describe it. Tyranny in its truest form. When Castro first took power he had all of the prominent entertainers, poets, and artists rounded up and executed. I suppose the goal was that they want no free thinking going on in case it would jeopardize his stranglehold on the Cuban people. Fast forward to the past few years.

Why are these celebrities so enamored with Fidel? Do they not understand they are the type of people he hates? The only reason he had public appearances and was cordial to them was that he loved to milk the limelight, and try to soften his image. If they were actual Cubans, they would either be murdered, or stacking crates for some government-ran warehouse, which is probably the extent of their abilities outside of acting. How stupid can these posh celebrities be? Honestly, any retard could think that one through.

Bottom line. Celebrities serve their purpose. They entertain. I love certain actors that always make entertaining films. They earn a lot of money, and need to be content with that. Please don’t use your public image to spout off nonsense. If you are going to spout off, please do some research and make educated and informed statements. Otherwise you make the USA look like a bunch of blabbering idiots to the rest of the world.

DAILY RANT Tuesday, February 12, 2008

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Press 1 for English.

If you own a phone, either landline or cellular, you have most certainly experienced the following: press 1 for English or in Spanish “Apriete uno para ingles.”

Well, I realize there are plenty of existing well-documented rants on this topic, but none yet from me Perry M. Tostenmen (or in Spanish, Yo me doy cuenta de también hay muchos lenguajes declamatorios ya documentados en este tema pero en ninguno todavía de mí Sidra de pera M. Tostenmen).

So here is my sigue (issue). Why should I have to press 1?

Last I checked, The United States of America has an funcionario (official) language, ENGLISH (Inglés). I could be wrong but I assume Mexico does not offer the “press 2 for English” option on their automated phone services. (Podría estar equivocado pero asumo que México no ofrece el "aprieta 2 para inglés" la opción en sus servicios automatizados de teléfono). A big aspect of assimilation (asimilación) to any country is learning the language (idioma). How are we assisting our Latina (Latino) brothers and sisters by continually avoiding (evitar) the English language of our nation (Nación)?

In conclusion, if you found my rant (discurso rimbombante) to be impossible to follow because of the constant (constante) translation and language shifting, well good (bien bueno). It’s probably in your best interest to learn Spanish anyways. At least if you want to use automated phone services. Por lo menos si usted quiere utilizar los servicios automatizados de teléfono.

Editor’s Note: Josh Alomar did NOT ayude (assist) in the translation of this article (artículo) as he was taking (tomar) a siesta (nap).

By Perry Tostenmen 2-12-08

You know these types, they take 10 minutes to order their ostentatious $6.50 Double Non-Fat Light Foam Venti Latte at Starbucks then hop into their Lexus SUV’s to head to aerobics or spinning class. Money is not an issue, time is not an issue and especially other people are not an issue to them.

My problem with this class of people surprisingly isn’t their pretentiousness or even their stuck up attitude. My problem comes when I see them haggling price at any local retailer. It could be in the returns line at Target or when the bill comes at TGI Friday’s, these people immediately become the cheapest sucks this side of Jersey. Tell me if you have heard lines like this from such folk:

Suck: “Wait, it appears you didn’t take my 10% discount coupon off this price.”

Suck: “I paid $75 less than that last year at a hotel in Davenport. Can’t you go lower on the rate?”

So for all you Double Non-Fat Light Foam Venti Latte type persons out there, take it from me, Perry M. Tostenson, get bent.

Dude’s from Calcutta who wear jeans and talk on their cell phone while limp wristedly using random Nautilus machines. First of all, I don’t even know what Nautilus machines do. I’ve seen people use them before but for Jerry “reckless Jew” Goldstein they serve no purpose. The one thing I can tell you about random Nautilus machines is they don’t do you any good if you’re talking on your cell phone to your brother Samir Nagheenanajar back in the home province of Calcutta. Likewise, they serve relatively no purpose to you if you are wearing skin tight Levis, undoubtedly bought for an outrageous amount of Rupee in a dark alley deep inside the Calcuttian black market world of authentic American denim. That shit’s hardcore and it takes real guts to pull that off. Heck, I appreciate you emulating American fashion. Thing is, those jeans make you look like a real big fag. I know you are embarrassed about your tiny twig legs. They’re really hairy and the inside of your knee joint is flaming red with an unknown rash. That’s ok dude, I have really skinny legs too. And the shorts I wear sometimes show off my ball sack. Not the silhouette, I’m talking real junk, pubes and all. People will complain, but you pay your dues man! Suck it up.

My second piece of advice when using machines I know nothing about is to go strong or don’t go at all. You gotta grunt man. Even if your grunt sounds like you’re taking it in the ass from Samir, you gotta do it. Get intimate with that machine, even if you’re sitting at a 45 degree angle suspended perpendicular to the ceiling when you should be at a 90 and parallel with a firmly planted base shoulder width apart. Get a towel and use it to sop up that sweat. I’ve always been curious about Indian sweat. Is it the same color as a Jewish person’s sweat or is it darker in color? I’m not racist, I’m just wondering.

Lastly, warm up. You can’t come in off the street and start using the uber-squat calf exercising machine in your izod polo and dark dress slacks. I know you want to increase your vertical leap from just under 7” to 42” so you can hammer dunk a basketball like Yao Ming. It’s gonna take time and it’s gonna take some serious stretching. Dude, you’re tiny and I bet you could bend your legs into a pretzel. That would be awesome to see. I bet I could pick you up when you’re in that pretzel and toss you a quarter mile like a shot-put or something. That’s it man, take my advice. It might even land you that ultra wrinkly old babe that’s been doing the stair machine for like 16 hours straight.