Random Rants

Rants/walmart.jpg
Shopping at Wal-Mart. My smaller-sized town recently achieved the level of “Super Walmart.” Let me tell you, this is a curse and a blessing. Where else can you go and buy toothpaste, garden hose, a Meet the Parents DVD, toilet paper, pencils, charcoal, gross steaks, produce, Lee jeans, and cigarettes? No where except for Super Walmart. It’s great, you can cover it all in one shot.

The negative part of Super Walmart is that it is like shopping in a third-world country. You enter and are greeted by a 100-year old man who has a permanent smile on his face, and has no clue where he is. Next, you walk in and almost get ran over by the crazy Mexican family of eight running around touching everything in sight. You start to walk down the aisles and realize this sh!thole is really dirty. People are screaming and shrieking all over the place. You start to get nervous, and rush to get your things and get out of this sh!thole. Down the next aisle you run smack dab into a 400-pound bulldyke wearing a Raiders jacket, and screaming at the top of her lungs at her kids to “Get the f*ck over here!” Now there is old people blocking the way, and you can’t get around around. Then a WalMart worker with a helmet and braces asks you if you need any help? Good Lord no! I just want to get out of here, and stop spitting in my face! You forget everything you needed to buy, grab some asswipe paper and beeline for the checkout. In the checkout you find a whitetrash lady with 4 kids in front of you using her EBT card to pay for $350 worth of cigarettes and steaks. You say f*ck it, and drop the asswipe paper, and bolt out the front door. Your last image is the 100-year old man still frozen in place. All too real, and all to scary. I can’t do it again. It was horrifying.

Keith Kloob 5-12-08

Video game content versus Television content. My video game collection is extensive and spans nearly 20 years. You might say I’ve seen it all, played it all and conquered it all. I’ve played pong, Space Invaders, Pitfall, Mario Bros, Tyson’s Punchout, Sonic Hedghog, Donkey Kong, Street Fighter, Madden Football, NBA Live, Street Racer, Sega Tennis, Ninja Gaiden, World of Warcraft, WWE wrestle Mania, Tony Hawk Skatboarding, Halo, Grand Theft Auto, Guitar Hero. The list goes on and on. You name it, I’ve tried it. Some of it clicks, some of it doesn’t. I’m not quick to curse a game just because its premise is something I don’t usually go for. For instance, I hate NASCAR, but I’ve tried race car games on at least 5 different systems. I think people who dress up in Goth attire are queer but I’ve played Gothic I, II and III. I can’t throw a football 3 feet but I have 15 different football games, likewise with tennis, baseball and basketball. I think wrestling is a fraud but I would take on anyone in a WWE/WWF wrestling game in a heartbeat. I’ve played Halo against 9 year olds in Hong Kong and virtually bitch slapped a guy from Norway in Ghost Recon. Hell, I’ve even snipered a Foreign Prime Minister from 500 yards away in Call of Duty. Video games aren’t my entire life, technology is. I still love technology. Always and forever.

Video game violence has become dramatically more real. But the premise is still the same from the early days of gaming systems. It’s kill or be killed and like P.J. Morganfowler says companies are in this to make money. The more realistic you make a game, the more copies you will sell. In this industry, the fans have reaped the benefits of evolving technology that has taken gaming to new heights. The violence has become so controversial, oh dear, it’s so graphic. How dare we let our children play these games? I have the social skills of a child and I’m not adversely affected when I drop a bomb on a village of innocent civilians and then watch in slow motion as their bodies are blow into shreds, guts and body parts flying everywhere. It feels so good to kill and evade capture. Killing without repercussions is gratifying. I’m not a threat to society but I’ll tell you what is. The ABC Family channel.

I was in the lobby of the blood bank getting ready to give blood because I needed the money and I had the opportunity to watch about 10 minutes of an ABC Family produced movie. In once scene a man and a woman engaged in a graphic sex act. This sex act was 10 times more explicit than any scene I’ve ever seen in a video game. I thought to myself, this is the ABC family channel? I wonder what kind of hardcore porn they put on regular ABC television shows? In another scene, an unwed teenager was giving birth to a child. Again, this is an out of wedlock child giving birth to another child. That concept is way more controversial than any theme I’ve seen in any video game I’ve ever played. Lastly, a third scene showed yet another graphic sex scene between an unwed man and a married woman. They actually showed the man ON TOP of the woman giving it to her nice and slow. This is the kind of love making reserved for people who are married and in love like me and Lisa Goldstein. Video games are only a small portion of the problem. Regular, every day television is just as bad as Grand Theft Auto IV. In fact, it’s much, much worse. So why don’t you video game critics turn off your PS3’s and start watching he supposed “family” channels and report back on the overwhelming number of adult themes present.

Jerry Goldstein 5-8-08

Healthcare and Technology. You guys have been great over the past 50 years or so advancing and developing technology that helps people live longer. What you've done is great but you can stop now. Stop inventing machines and drugs and techniques that help people live longer. I didn't ask you guys to do this so please stop. For the record, I personally have a lot to live for but the thought of living much past 68-72 doesn't interest me. Put your computers away; get rid of your machines, spreadsheets, tests, glass beakers, pencils and straight edges, its time to work on something else because people don't want to live to be 90. It's a pain in the ass and it drains everyone's resources. Now that I'm a professional with a cubicle and a telemarketing job for a respected firm I have the authority to write about this. I would also like to be able to pass on my fortune to a person, not to a health care corporation who is keeping me alive with machines and blood sucking lawyers and accountants.

Like I said, you guys have been great. I can't imagine all the weird shit you guys cook up on a daily basis to help people live longer. But I'm looking at your body of work like I look at the guy who starts a bunch of projects and never finishes them. That guy who's finishing his basement one weekend and then tiling his bathroom the next and then he's building a canoe with his cousin Brian Boosalis. I'm not saying that guy is you, I'm not saying that guy is me, but I think you know who I'm talking about. In your case you throw a bunch of resources at major disease but never quite finish off the job. AIDS not cured yet. CANCER, nope. ALZHEIMERS, huh? DIABETES, not quite yet. ASTHMA, I still wheeze when I get off my bicycle. BALDNESS and BACK ACNE…not exactly. See what I'm saying?

You guys should tackle something easier and I think I know just the ticket. Roads. What you've done with the science of medicine and taking care of people is good enough, it's time to tackle our nations roads. In case you haven't noticed, they suck. You've got potholes everywhere you look, bridges crumbling and sidewalks that are dangerous. I ride a 10-speed bicycle year around and it can get a little hairy sometimes out there. I'm sure people who own a car would agree with me when I say we could use an update all around. Listen, forget concrete, and forget asphalt. Invent something that will last longer than two weeks. Quit feeding these lousy construction companies money by having them build, fix, re-build, re-tar, re-surface everything every year. Think about if for a sec, if you invent a material that you only have to install once, all of our infrastructure problems would disappear over night. It can't be that hard, if scientists can invent a stint that you can shove into a guy's chest, certainly they can invent a bulletproof material to build roads with.

San Francisco, in the early years of our nation, this vibrant city was the gateway to America. The gateway to freedom. The gateway to a new life and opportunity through capitalism-the chance to make it on your own. Well from what I see today in San Francisco, the city is now the first step towards an unabashed ultra liberal socialistic society.

How did San Fran fall so far, so fast? One need not look much further than the most well-known leadership of San Francisco-Mayor Gavin Newsome and U.S. Representative and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D). Newsome has become the queen of the Gay and Lesbian movement. He was the first to grant same sex marriages and has continually gone against the overall public opinion who are against same sex unions. Pelosi is no better. She’s proudly pumps government programs into her district and passes the bill onto the tax payer. In addition, she preaches the global warming nonsense while flying her private jet back and forth from SF to DC often weekly. Pelosi’s the classic wealthy liberal who for some reason feels secretly guilty for her prosperity and therefore makes it her mission to use government to solve all the country’s problems. Note to Pelosi, IT DOESN’T WORK! People need to work and take personal responsibility to get out of poverty and solve their problems.

So noticeable in this once proud city is the widespread homelessness and vagrancy problem. However, these homeless in SF are not homeless due to lack of assistance. No, it’s the opposite. There are so many homeless shelters, so many bread and soup kitchens that some have reported there are nearly two beds for each homeless person in San Francisco on any given night. Walking downtown San Francisco I stepped over, across and past dozens of homeless. Not mention the trash, urine and smell that accompanies most bums. Before you call me cold hearted, know that I feel pity for these people-I truly do. However, it’s obvious that the city and leadership of San Francisco has enabled and encouraged such people. These homeless need help no doubt but they do not need hand outs and freebies. But since it is available, such folk flock to San Francisco and other liberal metro areas. They will continue to do so as well since they can live un-hassled (in San Francisco, panhandling is legal) and free to receive government hand outs on every corner.

San Fran used to be known for beautiful bridges, scenic bay views and exciting cultures. Now SF’s most well known culture is homosexuality. Castro Street is a modern day Sodom & Gomorrah. Just like rampant homelessness, the gay movement is out of control in San Francisco. Hey, I guess I don’t care your “sexual” preference but is it necessary to perform lewd acts in public? San Francisco is the home of the annual Gay Pride parade where reports of vulgar and obscene gay sex were witnessed in the streets-in front of children and innocent bystanders. Even worse, the parade and event was praised in local papers and media as a “Celebration of Diversity.” Sick.

They even had the Free Tibet Olympic protestors on center stage while I was here. Banners, signs and poster were everywhere and I’m fine with the voicing of opinions through peaceful protest but the local media was mostly obsessed with the comments of celebrities. I suppose this is no different than any other city but the topic of this rant is San Fran so thus the focus. Every local morning show, newspaper and tv host was focused on what crack-pot Buddhist and alleged gerbil butt pirate Richard Gere had to say on the matter-ridiculous. So typical of liberal loving freaks, always take the celebrity point of view as gospel.

This is San Francisco-a place no longer safe for families on vacation. A place of unfettered vagrancy, public debauchery & liberals. A city that has become the asshole of America.

Take a look people, San Francisco is a bastion of ultra liberal socialism and it’s spreading.

DAILY RANT Monday, February 25, 2008

Rants/gotdance.jpg
The Got Milk? Campaign and the rip offs that ensued. Way back in 1993 the California Milk Processor Board with the help of the advertising agency Goodby Silverstein and partners (all Jews) created the popular Got Milk? An Advertising campaign aimed at boosting the then slumping American dairy industry. It worked, and now all you see for miles is the classic Got Milk? Rip off. I’m talking about the maroon GMC Envoy sporting the Got Dance? Bumper sticker right next to the DNCE4LIFE vanity plate. Thanks a lot Goodby Silverstein you fellow Jew money loving advertiser and marketers. Got milk? No, I’m lactose intolerant asshole. Not only that, but I’m uncoordinated and can barely ride my 10 speed, let alone dance. Get the f*ck outta here with your got dance? rip off. Yeah, I danced with Lisa Goldstein a few times and I’ll admit it was glorious and precious to me, the kind of experience I’ll never, ever forget. It was the happiest moment of my life, I felt complete in the arms of an angel. My Lisa, sweet Lisa I love you, why did you put that restraining order on me? We could be together, I am right for you and would treat you better than anyone ever could. I wish you would take my calls. I’ve been waiting for you to talk to me. I need to see you, I’m desperate to see you and this time I will make you happy. We should be together.

Other popular rip offs include: Got muscle, got love, got celebrities, got game, got clients, got fish, got beauty, got clothes, got popularity, got laid, got tickets, got fun, got realtor??? On and on it goes. If that’s what society things is cool then I’ve got shit? I don’t even have a private bathroom at home to use. I have to use a community shower at my apartment/motel. Sometimes there’s so many people in there I have to stand there naked with my bar of soap for an hour.

Looking in the mirror I can think of a few things you might not see on any billboard. They are: got flakes, got skinny, got crabs, got tiny legs, got porn, got hair, got ashy elbows, got B.O., got Jew, got 10 speed, got water??? I don’t see any coming to me any time soon asking my input on what is cool and you “got” to have.

Jerry Goldstein 2-25-08

These are shows that CBS airs. All are inappropriate for children but even worse, CBS chooses to advertise such monstrosities during NCAA Basketball, NFL and even on Saturday mornings/afternoons. Thanks CBS. I appreciate having to quickly change the channel when you graphically preview a show where a forensics investigator who doubles as a serial killer or when a child predator case “ends in a shocking discovery.” Honestly, get a clue.

My kids don’t need to see this trash at 3pm on a Sunday. The only good show you’ve produced recently is The Unit and even this show has strayed from its core. CBS, the network of gruesome murder shows, crappy NFL lead-in music and old people. Newsflash to CBS Execs: Your market programming makes no sense and good call with Katie Couric. How’s that working for you?

All-Star Games. I made the mistake of watching a few minutes of the 2008 NFL Pro-Bowl this past Sunday. What a joke!

But it got me thinking, it should be a joke. These guys just destroyed their bodies and minds for a minimum of 20 weeks of the NFL regular and pre-season. They shouldn’t be asked to participate in a worthless and yet risky All-Star game. On Sunday they played at half-speed all game (as they should) and the TV viewers were forced to listen to meaningless sideline interview after meaningless sideline interview as Tony Saragusa tried his best to make the 3 hour bore-fest entertaining. Spare us.

The NBA (and NHL) are similar although their respective all-star games take place mid-season. Last year the NBA took the All-Star weekend to Las Vegas and besides the demise of Pacman Jones (who infamously ‘made it rain’ in Vegas), the game was a laughable 153-132 turnover and missed alley-oop festival. The players can’t be made to take it seriously and why should they? Even the once well appreciated Dunk Contest has become an insignificant afterthought-none of the real NBA stars participate. I realize the league and their sponsors want to make more money but wouldn’t make more sense to cut out the All-Star game completely, give the players those 4 days off and get improved playoffs as a result? (Side note: The NBA and NHL postseason should NEVER end in June!)

Only Major League Baseball has parlayed worth into an All-Star game by awarding home-field advantage in the World Series to the league winner. But still I have to question the validity of such a game. Just give the guys the weekend off and promote a “fresher” 2^nd half of the season. It is a 162 game regular season. If you have to get some TV revenue from those days off from games, just follow Bonds and Clemens around for the weekend. I see a documentary in the works, “How to Make Elk Spoog Shakes and other HGH Highlights.”

All Star games are a waste and I personally would prefer to have healthier professional athletes in the regular & post season than be forced to experience another all-star contest.

Editor’s Note: Scottie Pippen wore these bright red Nikes in the 1994 All-Star game. I had an identical pair my freshman year of high school-obviously a wise purchase on my part.