Truckers and Hippies.  I thought I knew what Hippies and Truckers were all about, but it turns out I don’t.  Hippies and truckers sure make an awful lot of noise, they have that in common.  Unfortunately, the noise they make is mostly just annoying and doesn’t amount to much.  When I was a kid, truckers seemed like a tough bunch of rag-tag mongrels running around the country delivering their loads dressed in denim from head to toe.  Their rigs were dirty, smoky and loud but that’s how they liked it, they’re truckers ain’t they?  Now days when I ride the bus all I see are fancy truckers in their stylish Peterbuilt’s with a sleeper as comfy as a Motel 6 room.  Motel 6 is about a classy of a stay as I can afford.  Heck, these sleepers are probably more like a luxury stay at a Holiday Inn!  My cousin Barney Goldstein stays at the Holiday Inn when he takes his family on vacation to Virginia.  Truckers got soft. They’re too comfortable and they don’t take chances anymore.  Remember when the big rigs used to cross rickety bridges?  Or when they’d pull their semi trailers up and down slippery mountains?  That doesn’t happen anymore and I think these truckers are a bunch prissy assholes!

The same goes for hippies.  When I was growing up, I wanted to be a hippie.  My father told me a parable when I was 13 about the hippie who smoked too much cocaine and lost his mind and therefore disgraced his family.  Hearing this story left me confused but it taught me an important lesson.  I did not want to disgrace my family so I became a cook.  There I learned how to make an honest living.  But I wasn’t satisfied.  I dreamt of working in an office with the same professionals I was cooking skillet breakfast for.  My dream came true but it would not have had I became a hippie.  Hisham only knows where I would be today had I not chosen so wisely.  Like truckers, hippies are also soft.  At one time hippies were a force to be reckoned with.  They sang at Woodstock and marched for peace in our Nation’s capital.  People took notice.  Now all they do is smoke grass and make love with people of the same sex.  That’s not the kind of love I wish to make!  I wouldn’t be surprised if they engaged in beastiality.  Their practices have become so perverted and disgusting to me and I no longer have a desire to be a hippie.  Or a trucker for

that matter, both fraternities have become soft.

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War.  When I was a kid I played war games with my imaginary friend Jonathon Shoemaker.  I would pretend he was an English navy commander during the revolutionary war and I was a farmer warrior from Massachusetts.  I always outsmarted him because my tactics were superior.  One time, Chris tried to outsmart me by sending his fleet up the river under the cover of darkness.  Luckily, the network of spies I had set up the day before detected his movements and I was able to mount a counter attack from his rear, essentially flanking him and outmaneuvering his strike.

Today’s warfare is much different than my imaginary war games.  Unmanned drones now command the sky and floating metal cities patrol the high seas.  These are far more sophisticated weapons than pistols and pitch forks.  These high tech weapons are from the digital age and are run by machines rather than patriots.  I am a gentleman warrior and my tactics are ruthless if not brilliant.  I cannot stop an unmanned drone but I can outsmart any man who dares to wield his weapon against me, face-to-face or in an open field.  I’m the Steve Nash of hand-to-hand combat and I dare you to stop me.

The thing about modern warfare is that nobody wants to fight their own war.  Countries are always looking for someone else to fight with them, be their shield so-to-speak.  One minute you’re fighting a war for an ally, and the next they are stabbing you in the back. My kind of war is where you stand up like a man and defend yourself against tyranny or some other sort of imminent threat.  Jonathon Shoemaker used to declare war on me because I refused to be his slave.  I fought back as any man should when wronged by another man. What I’m trying to say is war is war no matter how you dress it up and make it fancy.  I would like to see a little less pomp and lot more gruesome stabbing. 

Jerry Goldstein 4-24-08

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Space Travel

When Stephen Hawking speaks (through an electronic voice synthesizer) I listen.   He is not a cyborg which is contrary to what a lot of people on the world wide web are saying.  He’s a man suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease.   Lou Gehrig is one of my favorite baseball players and Stephen Hawking is one of my favorite quantum physicists.  Now there’s a cosmic correlation if I’ve ever seen one!  I’ve always said that humans might have to find another planet to live on because we are damaging our planet everyday with the amount of oxygen humans breathe.  I still contend that earth will completely run out by the time I’m 50.  That’s less than 13 years of oxygen left!   

Like my father Hisham always used to say to my brother Tommy, “A makeh Jerry hunter yenems ore Iz nit shver tsu trogen!” which means, “my second son Jerry talks nonsense about space travel again, forgive him father!”  Well, I know it’s not a popular theme amongst Jewish families but space travel is my passion and I believe it is essential for survival.  When the government issues a decree that every man, woman and child must board space craft and travel to our existing colonies on Europa (an earth sized moon of Jupiter) I will be the second in line behind Stephen Hawking.

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